I really wish that I didn't have to learn what loneliness was at such an early age. I really wish that I could ask my mother questions that every girl wants to know. Questions like, what was your first date like? Were you nervous on your wedding day? Why did you choose Dad? Did you wait? What was it like giving birth to your first child? Was I a pain? How long were you in labor with me? Were you excited the first time you laid eyes on me? Did you ever have any regrets? What were they and why? Who was your first love? Was it Dad? How young were you when you had your first kiss? Was it like a movie? What was your favorite gift from a boyfriend? Do you still have it? Questions a father has tried to answer, but the perspective doesn't compare.

WHY.

Why did it have to be this way?

Why am I left here hurting? Wishing? Wondering?

I hate this.

Yeah, it's been 5 years, but so what.
These questions will forever linger.

and I will never have an answer.

never.

In recent events, I went to my hometown for a couple of days for a visit. It's been great. and the ride home was just as refreshing! Relient K sure knows how to speak to the heart- sometimes you just really need to listen to their witty lyrics to realize that they are speaking the story of your life. haha.

I'm headed back to lock haven today. I was originally going to leave hometown tomorrow morning, but I'm ready to head back. I have some more work to get done before the school year begins, and I miss my doggy!

God has really been doing a work in my life. And I really hope the consequences for leaving His side won't ruin me. I know what I have been doing has been wrong ("Who I am hates who I've been") but ("I’m giving up on doing this alone now, Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how")so, I'm choosing to live for Him. And I know I can't do it alone, because I give in to my stupidness time and time again. He is my strength and my song.

This will be new, may be scary,

but

 

I'm believing God.

1. I've come to realize that my first kiss... with Nate was awkward but wonderful!
2. I talk... too much
3. I love... you!
4. My best friends... are more than what I could have EVER asked for!
5. My mother... rest her soul, has had a big influence in my life <3
6. My job...is going to be sweeeeeeeet, literally!
7. My first real relationship... was a good one, ended bad but things are okay now.
8. True Love is... what I found <3
9. Marriage is... a beautiful celebration!
10. Somewhere, someone is thinking... what could I have done differently...
11. I'll always... try to smile once in a day
12. I'll never... loose faith
13. The last time I cried was because... I was thinking about people who are now gone.
15. When I wake up in the morning...I smile because you are there too.
17. Right now I am thinking about... where my friends are that usually sit with me at lunch
18. Babies are... a blessing!
19. I get on the Internet... at least once a day if not more.
20. Today I...finished 2 classes, and am excited for bible study tonight!
21. Tomorrow I will be... giving a eulogy in speech class about Harry Kalas
22. I really want to be... enjoying the summer sun, on a beach in Florida!
23. If I could go back in time... I wouldn't change anything, decisions made me who I am today
24. Someone that will most likely reply is...not sure since I'm posting it on my xanga

If you married the last person you texted, what would your last name be?
Shirk

Were you happy when you woke up today?
yes I was :o)

When were you on the phone last? And with who?
Lindsay, last night

Have you talked to a complete jerk today?
nope, conversations have been good thus far

What are you excited for?
The semester to be over, and summer to begin!!!!

What were you doing yesterday?
Went to classes, painted an illustration for class, hung out with the BF

What's the last thing you put in your mouth?
A piece of watermelon sour patch candy! mhmmm

Are you scared to fall in love?
Nope

Do you think teenagers can be in love?
I think so, sometimes your true love is your high school sweet heart <3

Last person you wanted to punch in the face?
hmm I have a couple people on that list, but I won't, and things will be okay lol

What time is it right this second?
11:55 am

Is there something you want to tell someone?
yep

What do you want right now, be honest?
 My college diploma, a house, some kids

Who was the last person you took a picture with?
actually... probably nate?

Is it easy to make you cry?
not usually

Do you find it hard to trust others?
not really, I tend to trust a lot of people

Do you care too much/not at all/just enough?
too much

How fast does your mood change?
sometimes in split seconds... heh

Do you miss somebody right now?
sortof

Can you honestly say you're okay right now?
that I can

Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?
lol yes

Your best friend of the opposite gender likes you, what do you do?
well I know he likes me :o) we've been dating for almost a year now! <3

Do you know anyone named Joshua?
my cousin!

Is your hair curly or straight?
more straight, but it has some wave to it

Are you currently jealous?
naaaah

What jewelery are you currently wearing?
does a hair tie count? and my rings -- Jesus fish ring, and the wedding band I got from my parents at their wedding

What were you doing at 10 pm Friday night?
hmmm I think I was laughing at the gayness of justin and tom... lol

Have you ever broken someones heart?
no one has told me so, but maybe?

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
oh yeah

How late did you stay up last night and why?
1ish, because I had a mocha drink, and I was socializing with my housemates :o)

Would you rather go to Greece or Hawaii?
Hawaii

What is wrong with you right now?
I'm overweight

What did you do this afternoon?
nada yet, unless you consider 12pm afternoon... well for a minute I've been doing this survey lol

Is there someone you don't ever want to be out of your life?
many people!

Do you feel uncomfortable around the opposite gender? If so, why?
nah- they are like brothers to me :o)

Is there a person of the opposite gender who means a lot to you?
yes indeedy

What's your current relationship situation?
I love with my best friend Nate! <3

Have a best friend?
I have a few best friends! <3

Do you have any plans for the weekend?
hmm well I'm starving myself for 30 hours, picnic on sunday -- should be a good weekend! :o)

there's so much to do, so much to get done, and there seems to be not enough time in the day!
well there is time, there's just no time for schoolwork

the semester is winding down- exactly 2 weeks (counting school days only) until finals week!

WOWZAS!

there's a lot to get done... haha!

but then we can relax a bit after finals week, until summer work starts up.
I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL SUMMER!

speaking of which, we're supposed to get a freak snow storm tomorrow.
what's up with that?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I enjoy 65 degree weather. I promise!
I do not enjoy 65 degree weather back to back with 32 degree weather and snowy slush...
oh well.

anywho, thought I would share a little bit of what's going on in life-

ps. I learned how to swing dance, tango, salsa, line dance, and the waltz!
twas lots of fun!